If you are bored...

...and don't feel like getting off the computer follow these steps:

1) Go to www.pandora.com

2) Create your own account

3) Click on "Create new station" and search for "Carly Simon"

4) When Pandora is done thinking and begins playing music go to the "Add Variety" option

5) Search for "Big L"

That Time The Prostitute Paid Me

It's Labor Day weekend on Fire Island (a combination of time and place that I was sure would finally drive me over the edge) and I'm back at Michael's Ristorante to help out a friend and make some quick dough. Saturday night's dinner shift was profitable overall- the number of diner's was decent, not too many counter slices, and a noticable amount of deliveries and catering. I was busy but not stuck in one area keeping my mood at the sub-bearable enjoyment necessary to stay on my toes with customers and coworkers.

We get to a breathing point in the night where dinner dies down and the late night drunks aren't jonesin' for pizza just yet and that's when she walked in. Just another customer at first, slightly demanding, with long brown hair, prominent rack and Louis Voutan bag. Then she grabs me. And begs for my help. "Listen, I'm from LA I have NEVER been here before but I have to leave. Help me get home, I can't be here."

"Okay, relax, let me see when the next ferry leaves."

"I just came here for the weekend and my friend is drunk, she just left with a random guy. She doesn't even know where she is. And I don't run with those kinds of people. (Um, yes you do.) I just want to get out of here." She grabs my arm "I will give you a hundred dollars if you get me home."

"Sure, okay. The next and last ferry isn't for an hour so why don't you order some food and we'll figure this out."

Now I don't get offers like this often, or ever, and I wasn't very comfortable with it. I mean, I was bussing tables and serving slices that night, I would have been lucky to make a hundred bucks on my own working honest and hard and this chick wants to give me enough money to support my drinking habit for the next month just for showing her where to walk? I figure, she's probably exaggerating about the exact amount of money, and it's in my nature to help whether there's money involved or not so I'll just go along as I usually would.

"I need to 2 glasses of wine now." (Hey we could really be friends)

So I set her up with the two wines that make the most sense: my favorite-shiraz, and that mixed red bottle we've been trying to get rid of. And I'm on with the rest of my work.

A few minutes later I'm helping another customer and I see her waving me over out of the corner of my eye. I go over when I'm finished with what I'm doing to hear the same story again. I try to calm her and walk away and just as I turn she squeels "And I just found out my boyfriends cheating on me" So I sit.

"He was seen bringing another woman into his building. And I'm not that sad but I better still get my 15 grand a month."

"Right right" is what I say before registering her last comment. 15 grand alimony from a man you weren't married to? I'm lost. Although I don't let on because I'd honestly rather not know.

"I'm not heartbroken I just need that money. I don't love him, he just pays me"

Now I don't run with people like this woman but who am I to judge, it's not like I'm rolling in it.

"Well that's just disappointing then. Fuck him for being a little boy, but your lucky you don't care about it. That money is your support system but it's worse when you care." I tell her, trying to create a bond.

Her phone rings. She hands it to me, "I can't talk to her, you do it" And suddenly I'm her personal assistant.

The rest of the details would make you knaw at your own skin from irritation and boredom but long story-short she left $34 tip on a $34 bill and gave me another $80 after walking her to the ferry (I rolled her suitcase down there also[who the fuck am i?!])

Judge me for accepting the money but the woman was evil, and it was her cheating old mans cash anyway. And that's how I got paid for saving a hooker in distress.

Everyone slips up sometimes, even Aliens.

At the exact moment I turn to head back to the restaurant with my plastic gray wagon, successfully done with the last of 4 Labor Day '09 pizza deliveries I saw in the sky a cloud shaped like a flying saucer and thought: Of course! Extra terrestrials have the ability to shift molecular form. That's how they've gotten around us all these years...but they weren't too clever about it this time because that cloud is OBVIOUSLY a space ship.

This is not my photo but this craft is similar to the one I saw.

Autumn is Falling

I absolutely adore the "back to school" season but there is one key thing missing in my life this year: school. I honestly love and look forward to the start of a new semester and going to class but it's time to be a big girl and I will cope with this loss by falling back on my autumn comforts. Comforts are classics and though this time will be marked by growth I'm glad to have them.

First and foremost are my Standard Fall Tunes- As summer winds down I can't help but relish in my greasy girl ways and tune in to some Mazzy Star, Garbage etc. Then as Halloween approaches I'm ready for my annual Nirvana, and Smashing Pumpkins kicks (holiday decor reference not relevant). And as the temperature lowers even more I indulge on the daily in some Billie Holiday. Needless to say, for me, fall sounds like the grungier times in countries history, primarily the 90's, and if you can't understand why I'm sorry for you.

Second is the Back-To-School Clothes- Since I work an unpaid job, have loans to pay very soon, and recently moved back in with Dad the shopping will be kept to a minimum this year. But that didn't stop me from impulse buying these amazing shoes an hour ago whilst online "window shopping". Along with the buying of new clothes is the wearing of garments that cover my arms and legs. Two weeks ago I would have shrieked at the thought of a sweater but snuggling up in some warm rags sounds oh-so-choice right now.

Third would be getting back into Routine-This summer was amazingly erratic. I didn't spend more than 2 weeks in one place and it felt so good. I strutted around Spain (pictures to come), drove to Miami, worked in New York, and played in Philadelphia. But to settle back in one place and get my daily process underway will feel good. It's all about balance and what I need now is equal amounts of work, play, healthy living, and creativity.

With that said I'm starting to feel a little better about no longer being a student. I'm going to continue my education on my own anyway and as an end-of-post-gift (they're very common, really) I leave you this classic clip:

An Ode to Belgian Food Products

To begin-your Chocolate

Satisfying my craving in taste

Smoothly melting into my mouth

You make me feel sexy (which is important while eating)

And I know when to stop

Because you've your job right

Secondly-your Beer

Satisfying my craving in taste

Heavily bubbling down my throat

You make me feel bold (which is important while drinking)

And I don't know when to stop

Because you've done your job right

And lastly-your Waffles

Satisfying my craving for breakfast

Brilliantly encasing my maple syrup

You make me feel full (which is important while breakfasting)

And I'll always come back for more

Because you've done your job right

The Beauty and Convenience of the Short Story

No I'm not talking about writing them because a beautiful short story is a challenge indeed. I'm referring to all the reading I've done in last few months. I'm not quite sure how but I managed to get through 21 years of life without reading a single book of short stories by my own choice. And now I can't stop.

It started around January when I was ready to revisit Hunter S Thompson, as I always go back to my favorite authors at least once a year, but was not sure where to turn. I landed on The Proud Highway: Saga of a Desperate Southern Gentleman, 1955-1967, which I'm still reading yet feel no guilt about it. Usually if it takes me this long to get through a book the 14-year-old that's still finishing up the paragraph in her social studies book while the teacher begins talking about it (our countries school system has a bias against slow readers) creeps up forcing me to feel ultra "special". But I've maintained confidence in my reading skills with this book because I go at my own pace. There are no plot twists, or character arches rushing me along at the end of each chapter. I can start and stop at my own liesure...whoda thunk it! So I read it a little while I was still in school and after finishing up my semester have since started 3 others books of short stories, only one of which I've finished. I like bouncing from one authors voice to another and encourage every reader to do it. Below are the four books of short stories/letters/lectures/articles I've read in the last few months- varied in style and content yet equally satisfying.

Sometimes I think that I’m Bigger Than the Sound: A YeahYeahYeahs Non-Review

I am in no way qualified to hold “The Enemy” title so rather than try to review I will write as the fan that I am. So the start Karen O is a truly inspiring female artist and I know you know this but if you haven’t seen them live you can’t fully understand her ability to move and connect. I must have creamed my pants at least 7 times because the woman is fucking amazing. She wore this big-armed poncho-like shirt that attached at the crotch and was decorated with neon colored TexMex patterns. Underneath she wore tiny booty shorts. And for a few numbers she put on she black studded leather jackets with her initials on the back that was so rockin’ that I would wear it any day with the K.O lettering and all.

Obviously none of these are from the show but they are great examples of how rad her and her style are


Now I can’t recall the order of the entire set but they started with a dark stage, spot light on Karen singing the 7th track off their new album, "It’s Blitz!", Runaway. She moves slowly the entire time in and out of equally beautiful and awkward poses like a traditional Chinese dance. When the number is over the lights come up revealing the rest of the band and the backdrop consisting of a GIANT eyeball in the middle with blue sparkly rings around it. They kick it up at this time with "Show Your Bones" Gold Lion.

At this point I’d been standing near the back of the ground floor of the Electric Factory dancing with myself (went alone-love a good solo adventures) enjoying the wide array of fans. Mostly pushed to the front were the late-teen fans from the suburbs who made sure to belt their V-neck T’s, among them were also the wealthy suburban girls matched head to toe in big worn out T’s and tiny jeans. Scattered around were the band-crazed girls who had friends on each arms, one of them usually a gay man. And then their were the mid to late twenties crowd mostly made of tattooed, and wild-haired women and their boes. I could have been in the “band-crazed” category had I been adorned with some arm candy but going to shows by myself gives me an enormous sense of independence and lets me dance like a frantic epileptic until a stranger stops me and not the person I’m with. But then I ran into a friend and headed upstairs with him and his date.

I spent the next few songs kneeling on a drink shelf through some of my Yeah Yeah Yeah’s favorites including Soft Shock, Pin, Maps, and Skeletons. I was appreciative at this time for the back and forth pattern they created switching between new and older songs. Pin got me off at the first strum as one of my all-time fav’s of theirs. The shelf on which I perched was wet from past occupant’s beers and I nearly fell right over during the repeating “Dono” chorus. The crowd really went wild for a stripped down version of Maps. And although this song, easily their most well known, has been heard a million times over it still got me into a deep sentimental trance remembering all the “they don’t love you like I love you” moments I’ve had in my life (but this isn’t the time or place for such reminiscing) They finished off with their latest dance grooves Heads Will Roll and Zero.

I was so pleased with this set that I didn’t dare utter “I hope they play ___ in the encore” What they did play was a trashing mash up of "Fever to Tell" and "Show Your Bones" track’s that made me want to go out in the streets and break stuff. Among them were Date With the Night where she did indeed “walk on water” and Cheated Hearts, which had me singing louder than anyone around me (which I’m sure they all appreciated very much)

Needless to say I had a more-than-satisfying night complete with estrogen fused head shaking, balls out ass shaking and good, clean listening enjoyment. So please please please go see the Yeah Yeah Yeah’s if they’re in a town near you.